The List
by Ellie
Summary: While traveling through a less-than-thrilling part of space, Chakotay finds the time to re-evaluate his relationship with our beloved Captain. After enlisting several cohorts, he sets out to make right a relationship that had faded into wrong.
1. Chapter 1

THE LIST, Part 1

By Ellie, 2008

Disclaimer: Think of it as a spec… they're not mine.

"Doctor, I forgot about you."

"Sounds familiar."

Kathryn Janeway found herself staring into the EMH's irritated glare on her monitor. She had been holed up in her ready room for hours, working on anything she could find that needed attention. It was one of those days in which she felt really, really sick of being captain. It was a thrilling job that she appreciated fully most of the time, but after so many years in the Delta Quadrant with nothing to do in between run-ins with hostile aliens, the managerial requirements of the position were bound to get old.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said. "I've just been so busy here."

He eyed her suspiciously. "I'm sure you can tear yourself from those fascinating asteroid analyses for just a few minutes to take care of your yearly physical. You've put it off long enough that it's almost time for next year's."

She produced the most convincing smile she could muster and replied, "Of course, Doctor. I'll make my way to sick bay as soon as possible."

"See that you do, Captain. Doctor's orders."

It was another hour before she found the motivation to tear herself from the safe-haven of her ready room. Upon exiting the room, she found that the bridge crew looked just as enthusiastic as she had felt about the broad expanse of nothingness they were traveling through. All ten heads shot up in hopes of a distraction as she passed them on her way to the turbolift. She offered Chakotay a small wave to indicate that nothing was wrong as the doors slid shut in front of her.

"Ah, Captain," The Doctor said lightly as she passed through the sick bay doors. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me… again."

"Of course not, Doctor," she said, hoisting her small frame onto a biobed. "Just had to finish up my fascinating asteroid analysis."

"Touché," he said, smiling, as he waved the tricorder over her body. "Looks like everything is in order…"

"Expecting anything less?"

"Of course not, Captain. But I must inform you that while I've got you here, I plan to run every scan I can come up with on you. It's a rare pleasure to have you in sickbay, and I want to be sure I don't miss anything."

"Do what you need to do, Doctor. There doesn't seem to be much else to do on this ship at the moment," she said dryly, offering a wry smile.

"Indeed," he replied, closing the medical tricorder. "Captain, there is one specific issue I'd like to address."

"Go ahead, Doctor."

"Much of the crew is beginning to show the psychological stress that is typical of deep space missions. In normal circumstances, crewman chosen for such missions are screened thoroughly to ensure mental stability under the greatest of strain. Obviously, Voyager's crew was never prepared for a deep space mission of this magnitude."

"Of course. Do you foresee this becoming a serious issue, Doctor?" she asked, not certain where he was heading.

"Luckily, I've taken preventative measures and suggested counseling for those crew members who are suffering from the condition most severely. I don't believe it will pose a threat, but it was necessary to bring the matter to your attention."

"It was, and I appreciate it," she offered, hoping he wouldn't pursue the issue further.

"These issues are of course, likely to affect the captain herself," he began, fishing for her cooperation.

Rolling her eyes and producing the best Janeway-glare she could muster, she said, "Doctor, surely you aren't suggesting I require psychological therapy. I assure you, I am in perfect mental health."

"While I'm sure you believe that to be true, Captain, as your doctor, I can't ignore the possibility that you're suffering much like your crew. I've seen you experience ups and downs just like everyone else, and I find it hard to believe that you are immune to these stresses. You, of all people, who must keep herself at a certain distance from her crew, denying herself the basic human interactions that are vital to the human morale!"

"Doctor-"

"When was the last time you socialized with friends? When was the last time you did something for _fun_? When was the last time you went on a date?"

"Doctor, surely you understand that as the ship's captain, it's imperative that I maintain a certain distance from the crew," she said sharply, irritated by his line of questioning.

"Of course, Captain, which is precisely why I've been focusing my efforts on creating a new and innovative treatment for your condition," he said proudly.

"Oh?" she asked, incredulous.

"Yes, and I believe it will prove effective," he stated, picking up a PADD from the console next to him. "1900 hours. Don't be late. Casual attire."

Janeway eyed the PADD, unsure if she was infuriated by his presumptuousness, or simply annoyed. Absorbing the contents, she lifted her head slowly and for the second time, rolled her eyes. "Really, Doctor?"

"Really."

"But-"

"I insist. It won't hurt you to give it a try."

With a sigh, she slid off the biobed. "Very well, and if we're done here?" she asked, pointing to the door.

"Of course, you may go. But don't forget, 1900!"

She waved a hand to him as she exited quickly, in classic Janeway-style. Feeling satisfied, the Doctor returned to his office. Before he was able to enter all of the captain's updated physical information, the comm signal beeped.

"Chakotay to Sickbay."

"Doctor here, Commander. The Captain has just left."

"And?"

"I wouldn't go so far as to say she was open to the idea, but I was able to convince her to give it a try," he said proudly, leaning back in his chair.

"Excellent. Our plan just might work. Keep me informed. Chakotay out."

Nodding to himself, the EMH returned to his work with a fresh smile on his face. Perhaps it wasn't too late for things to be set right on this ship, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

THE LIST, Part 2

By Ellie, 2008

Disclaimer: Again, as usual, I'm using these wonderful characters without permission, and plead that the titan that is "Par" doesn't sue me. (I promise, there's no money involved here!)

1842.

The time was passing damn slowly.

Kathryn Janeway paced throughout her quarters, not knowing what to think of the appointment she'd had with the Doctor earlier that day. The most passionate and pressing of the emotions she was experiencing was anger. Where did he get off evaluating her mental state, anyway? He was no counselor, and he certainly had no business questioning her personal life or what she chose to do with her spare time.

Part of her also felt suspicious. Why had the Doctor, now, after all those months, insisted that she come in for her yearly physical? Hadn't she been scanned a multitude of times within the past months? She could distinctly recall being checked over by the EMH himself, just two weeks ago, after their last away mission. Why hadn't that information proved sufficient? Never before had emotional well-being been a topic of a routine physical, either. Something about the situation smelled fishy to her, but she couldn't place a finger on what the Doctor's true motivation might be.

But deep down, below the anger and the doubt, there was a part of Kathryn that was grateful for the opportunity her doctor had supplied her with. The PADD she'd been given suggested that she take part in an activity she hadn't done in ages: dating. The Doctor had created a program for her that simulated just this activity. He was thorough and careful in his programming, creating a scene that would allow Kathryn to engage in basic human interactions with a variety of holocharacters displaying some of the traits that the Doctor suspected she would admire in a man. It would allow her to have fun, no strings attached, and to hopefully exercise those social muscles that were slowly degrading with each passing day on Voyager.

1849.

Completely at a loss as to what to wear, Kathryn had chosen something casual, simple, and classic. After much deliberation, she'd decided that a simple tunic and trousers would be fine for this occasion. She was aware of the possibility that the Doctor would find some excuse to drop in on her, perhaps to ensure that his efforts were successful, and she didn't want to appear too eager to be participating in the program. As the captain, it was important that she make it clear that in any normal circumstance this action would have been wildly inappropriate, and certainly not something she would condone. However, there were certain allowances to be made in this situation, and try as she could to deny it, Kathryn was human after all.

After placing the last strands of her hair in place, Kathryn deemed herself ready. She made her way to Holodeck One, coolly ignoring the sideways glances her crew gave in reaction to seeing their captain out of uniform.

"Computer, initiate program EMH J-two-six-eight," she called as she passed through the doors of the holodeck. The grid transformed into an Irish pub before her eyes, a phenomenon that the child in Kathryn still found very satisfying.

The room was devoid of life, and before Kathryn could question it, the Doctor materialized before her eyes.

"Captain Janeway," he began with a smile. "I'm pleased you've agreed to run this program I've created for you. I am a holographic representation of your… holographic doctor," he chuckled to himself.

Raising an eyebrow, she asked, "Your function exactly?"

"Guide, I suppose," he replied.

She choked back a laugh. "Dating isn't an activity that requires a guide, Doctor. It's hardly a trek through the wilderness."

"Says the woman who hasn't been on a date in…"

"I get the point."

He smiled. "Very well. This atmosphere is suitable, I presume?"

"Charming."

"Excellent. Let's get started then. The ingenious holoprogrammer who created this program allowed for two separate starting points of the subject's choosing. You may either begin on an outing with a randomly selected partner, or begin with the bar full of potential partners for you to choose from. Your preference?"

Reluctant to choose either, Kathryn said, "I suppose the latter." The idea of being stuck with one so-called 'partner' that had been randomly chosen by the computer hardly seemed ideal.

"An excellent choice, Captain. If you need me, just call," he said.

And with that, the Doctor vanished and a room full of suitors appeared. Laughing at the situation to herself, Kathryn entered the crowd and bellied up to the bar.

"Brown ale, please," she called to the bartender, taking a seat.

She surveyed the room from her barstool. The crowd was mostly men of about her age, with a few women sprinkled in here and there. She inwardly wondered about that particular choice, but was interrupted when a large glass of amber-colored syntheholic beer appeared before her.

"A brown ale for the lady," the bartender announced in a thick Irish accent, winking at her. "Anythin' else I can help you with?"

"No, thank you," she replied with a smile.

She sipped the beer slowly, enjoying the flavor of the brew. Before she could place her glass down, a man slid into the seat beside her.

"Come here often?" He asked her, a slight slur evident in his diction.

"No," she offered, giving him a chance. "New in town."

"Well," he drawled, "need a tour guide?"

Kathryn chuckled inwardly. "Am I to assume you're offering your services?"

"In a manner of speaking, and depending on your meaning," he replied, offering her a cheesy grin.

"Nope," she said to herself, "Computer, delete character."

The computer beeped in response and Kathryn smiled, satisfied. She picked up her drink and headed for a table. Before long, she was cycling through men, date after date, as if it were a speed-dating service. She met each man and gave him a chance, waiting a minute or so before deleting his character because he was too short, too arrogant, or too meek. She couldn't place a finger on just why, but for some reason, none of these men lived up to her standards. She toyed with the idea that they felt perhaps too holographic, but after receiving a spray to the face from the comedian with a lisp, she discounted the theory. She also considered the possibility that she had been subconsciously comparing each of them to Mark, but that explanation didn't feel right to her either.

"Computer, delete character," Kathryn said with a sigh. She'd seen what felt like dozens of men, but none of them had triggered her interest. Had she drawn so far into her protective shell of being captain that she could no longer complete the basic tasks that made her human?

The bar was nearly empty, and Kathryn was ready to give up. Draining her glass of beer, she got up from her table and headed for the door of the pub. It opened before she could reach the handle, however, to reveal none other than Commander Chakotay.

"What are you doing here, Commander?" she asked, alarmed.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't really think it's appropriate…"

"Have we met?" he asked her, extending his hand.

Kathryn took a breath. Would the Doctor actually be so presumptuous to create a Chakotay hologram? She tapped her commbadge. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is on the bridge."

The holographic Chakotay looked at her patiently, still extending his hand. Unsure how exactly to proceed, she fell back on the basic principles her mother had taught her: manners.

"No, I suppose not," she said, taking his hand. "I'm Kathryn."

"Chakotay. Nice to meet you."


	3. Chapter 3

The List, Part Three

Oh-three-hundred. Again.

It felt like years had passed since she had enjoyed a proper night's sleep. This was unusual, surprising as it was, for her. As a woman with a coffee addiction who allowed stress and adrenaline to fuel her life, it would seem natural for Janeway to have trouble sleeping. But she took after her father in many ways, and was grateful to have his knack for heavy sleeping. Until recently, anyway.

It was all the damn doctor's fault. With days to reflect on the incident in the holodeck, she had come to several hypotheses regarding his motives for creating the program. But one thing she couldn't put a finger on was how he knew that she still harbored feelings for her sad sack of a first officer. Had he known that if she allowed herself to relax, to let her guard down, that she would let Chakotay wriggle himself right back into her thoughts? Or was his appearance in the program a fluke that the doctor hadn't planned at all? Asking him was completely out of the question, so she let herself dwell on the issue, focusing on who to blame rather than the problem itself. And she was self-aware of this fact, to be sure, but bringing herself to change her perspective was going to be difficult.

So she let it happen. Another night of waking up at oh-three-hundred, her mind plagued with unsettling thoughts, staring at the chronometer with resentment. A few more hours to dwell on her issues while her eyes burned behind her heavy lids.

It had been years since the angry warrior story, and she had trouble remembering the last time she allowed herself to feel something for him. He'd tried with her, over and over again, for months after New Earth. He all but begged her to reconsider, telling her he loved her and that the crew would understand. But she never let him in. She had made a vow to herself that her feelings for him couldn't leave that planet, that her ship and crew came first. So, as difficult as it was, she shut him out.

She'd become someone else in the months following that decision. A person the young Kathryn wouldn't have liked. She was focused and driven, but only for her work. She spent her few off-hours working overtime, and didn't allow even an errant personal thought to penetrate her focus. The balance between Captain Janeway and Kathryn Janeway began to strongly favor the former. She'd lost the woman who was capable of falling in love, and had decided that she would be gone for good.

But something about that damned Chakotay hologram made her feel different. And the fact that she could use the word _feel_ again, well, that alone was progress.

Staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night wasn't going to get her anywhere. Enduring another night of it seemed impossible. So, she did something that only Kathryn would do, never the captain. Something that she'd be ashamed of the next morning. She went back to the holodeck.

He was waiting for her there. The program was just as she'd left it after the first night. The bar was empty and the lights were dimmed. The jukebox was playing some dim old jazz tune and stale smoke hung in the air. It was three a.m. here, too.

"Come back, have you?" he asked her, not getting up from his chair.

She smiled, holding herself back a bit. The captain in her was screaming at her to leave, but she didn't move from the doorway of the bar.

"What are you doing up so late?"

"I could ask you the same question," she replied.

"Come, sit," he offered, standing now, and offering her a chair.

It took more of an effort than she'd expected, crossing those last few feet to sit across from him. But the memory of their last all-night conversation propelled her the rest of the way. She sat quietly down, and he pushed in her chair behind her.

"I'm glad you came back," he said, sitting down across from her. "I was hoping you would."

"I shouldn't be here." Her voice was low, rough with lack of sleep. She absently wondered if it sounded sexy.

He laughed, and flashed the dimples that used to make her melt. "Too late, I guess. Can I get you something?"

She shook her head, and looked at him. Her stomach tingled with nervousness. She felt like a child.

"Okay," he said. "So why shouldn't you be here? Too late for a responsible lady such as yourself to be out on the town?"

"Hardly. Though I suppose that should have occurred to me. It's the 'meeting a man in a bar' business that's more disturbing."

"Are you saying you don't normally date?"

"This isn't a date," she snapped, spine suddenly rigid.

He laughed at her again, dimples flashing once more. "I guess not."

She eyed him seriously as his smile began to fade. "You're a bit of a mystery to me, Kathryn," a voice inside of her cooed at the sound of his voice saying her name. "You come here, and immediately say you shouldn't have. We're alone together and you seem shocked at the notion that it might be a date. I'm not quite sure what to think."

"Do you have to overanalyze? Can't I just be here for the conversation?"

He looked disappointed, but willing to negotiate. "Fair enough. We'll keep it simple then. How was your day?"

And then things were easy.

And she was late for work.

But something slipped passed Janeway's radar, and it was something that would royally piss her off if she were to find out. Her late-night holodeck visit didn't go unnoticed as she'd planned. In fact, it didn't go unnoticed at all.

There was a little light flashing on the control panel on the real Chakotay's desk the next morning. A very small, but very meaningful little light. It set his plan in motion.


End file.
